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Guilt / Flashbacks
By August 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm 565 23
This is really hard for me to do, and I've only ever shared this with my wife, but I feel the need to share this experience with you for my sake
17 years ago I was first on the scene to a 15 year old girl who'd been run over by a car at 40 mph. She sustained a massive blow to the head, and I could feel no pulse, so I started CPR
The first thing I was taught was to loosen clothing round the neck and clear the airways.
There was blood everywhere and she'd bit her tounge. Thinking that her tounge was not interfering I carried out chest compressions and got a pulse
What I failed to do was check her nose passage as when you bite your tounge your air intake is by your nose
The ambulance arrived and she still had a pulse
I thought I'd done all that I could, and the last thing I remember was that her eyes were open and she was looking into mine
2 hours later she died with her family round her bedside
I was devastated and all I could think about was her eyes and not checking her nose passage was clear, but there was so much blood and it and it all happened so fast.
I attended the funeral to pay my respects, but I couldn't help feeling I could have saved her due to my negligence
Many years later the police started a drink driving campaign and to my shock, they showed a young girl being given CPR at the roadside and her eyes were wide open. She was identical to the girl I'd tried to save
The advert has been shown many times throughout the years, and just when I think I'm over it it reappears on the TV
I've asked around various medical professionals and I get 2 different answers. "you should've cleared the nostrils and " You did everything you could "
It's now at the forefront of my thoughts on a daily basis, and sometimes panic attacks come along, or sleepless nights, and even suicidal thoughts enter my head
I've sought closure so many times, but to this day her face and eyes remain embedded in my mind
This is the reason for my PTSD and no matter what I think, I still question myself and beat myself up